The Art of Arranged Marriages

Believe it or not arranged marriages still exist! Those who’ve not found Mr Right or Miss Perfect will have to take on the challenge of an arranged marriage…

Arranged marriages in Asian cultures are as complex and time-consumingly intricate as applying for university in this day and age. (For those of you who’ve experienced UCAS, you know what I’m talking about.) I can’t talk much about other cultures but when it comes to the process of a typical Bangladeshi arranged marriage, let’s just say it’s rather arduous to keep track of the vast amount of stages.

Understandable, that every culture has its own set of traditions, but it’s safe to say that Bangladeshis take it to a whole new level. So, here you’ll get to find out what a typical Bangladeshi girl goes through when looking to find Mr Right.

Word of Mouth

Yes, so its seems the culture hasn’t very much progressed much since the 16^th century (I may be exaggerating a tad, but then again we’re known for that too), because this is the stage where the girl’s parents bring her out into society and spread the word that their daughter is of age and are seeking a suitor. This then gets passed through the local community and through relatives. I assure you it’s almost as effective as the Chinese whisper.

Potential Suitor

Success of stage one takes effect. Woohoo, someone has come forth – aka Mr Middle Man – who has an acquaintance looking to get his or her son married. Father of the bride, are you interested?

Initial Exchange of Details

Provided that the father of the bride has displayed some interest, Mr Middle Man will then obtain details from the groom’s family.

Proposal Vitae

Well you could probably guess what this is. A marriage resume, inclusive of an elaborate family history (which from some boastful families will state the occupations of each sibling – like we want to know!), extensive personal details from exact cm in height to current occupation and in some awful cases the sumptuous detail of their employment duties. Hello, I don’t need to know that, just the salary would suffice, thanks! Finally not to forget the all-important proposal picture, which in popular cases is probably the most disagreeable picture of that person. (Some families pride themselves by presenting the all-too-common graduation picture.)

Bride’s Decision

Aaaaaaaaaaaand another huge dollop of culture in this step as tradition demands a female member of the family (usually a sister or sister-in-law) to deliver the enveloped proposal. Is he appealing enough on paper? Decisions, decisions - no time to be capricious. If it’s a nay, then the cycles starts again. If it’s a yay, then bride’s details are passed on to the groom, but not before some seriously posed pictures.

Groom’s Decision

Should she take his fancy, the outlandish and labourious process continues.

Background Check

Sounds pretty gangster, but honestly the families run a check. And no, not that hi-tech, but once again through the power of the tongue, it’s established whether the family is good enough to create relations with. Their reputation and status in Bangladesh is checked as well as their reputation on British soil. About ten years ago say, families wouldn’t want to create relations with families from certain areas of Bangladesh. For example, in my family it was taboo to marry someone from Beani Bazaar, which would have been considered coming out of our cocoon.

Anyway…

The Meeting (the direct translation: Seeing the Bride)

Thumbs up from the groom, Mr Middle Man then discloses the contact details so the fathers settle on a day for the bride’s initial unveiling. Now, this is supposed to be a small private gathering with only the immediate family of both the bride and groom – for Bangladeshis, small is a lost concept, and family means all the cousins, relatives, and even in some cases extended families.

Oh, did I forget to mention, these things could be rather costly and remember this is prior to the actual wedding, which in itself costs an arm and a leg. So, tradition states the groom must take a ring (in the 21^st century nothing short of a diamond ring, even the oldies can tell the difference now); gift of money with the minimum sum of £100; along with a generous and lavish amount of Indian sweets known as mishti – the likes of Rasmalai, Ladoo, Kala Jamun, Chamcham, Gulab Jamun and Jalebi - just to mention a few. (Extra points for those who buy it from Ambala or Royal.)

Bride’s family serves an array of snacks and dishes and of course tea – not just an English thing, very much Bangladeshi popularity as well. Once that’s over with, the groom’s family meets the bride and eventually leaves the bride and groom and two family members – one from each – alone to talk and get to know a little more about each other. Not exactly enough time to decide whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and could be compared to a speed-dating session, but ho hum!

Thinking Period

Subsequently, the couple is given about a week or so to mull things over and make a life-changing decision based on the thirty-minute conversation they shared. Once again, basing this on the fact that they both concur, we proceed to the following.

Introducing the Groom

Bride’s father will consult with his siblings and relatives and those he considers superiors about this potential suitor for his daughter. They’re purpose in this stage is to go and size up the groom to judge his worthiness. Approval from these members is necessary prior to moving on to the bigger more important gatherings.

Once again the ritual of the meeting is similar to that of the bride’s unveiling. The gift; the money; the sweets oh and a whole pack of nerves and sweat breakouts from the groom who’s to receive the onceover from more than thirty people who will possibly be his future relations. Following the approval of the often-intimidating superiors and elders, this strenuous routine of finding the groom soon comes to a wrap. 

Engagement Date

Successively, a date is set for the day of the engagement – known as paanchini – the literal purpose of this day is to bring sugar and paan to the bride (honestly speaking, to this day I have no clue why, but I’m sure it’s because the forefathers did this and so must we, the inescapable binds of traditions). Nowadays, it’s all about presenting beautifully wrapped gifts, fruits and sweets and of course the bride’s outfit, which is a necessity for the groom to provide.  The foremost reason for the day is to set the date of the wedding – obviously decided amongst the elders with no opinions from the two who are to unite.

Thus, this is the challenge one must face to find the one through an arranged marriage.  I shall not delve further in to what comes after the engagement, as the wedding itself is another occasion filled with many events preceding it and following it.

The perspectives in which I’ve portrayed this process are in some parts rather rudimentary and of course being a Bangladeshi it’s within my nature to exaggerate. Fortunately, time has reformed a lot of this. There’s more of a getting-to-know-each other process that was quite non-existent previously. Where love marriages were once frowned upon, families – like mine – now want you to ‘go and find someone yourself’. The climate of arranged marriage has decreased drastically and now parents are surrendering their duties to the children. Traditions are unraveling but culture remains a headstrong foundation.

For those who want to know more, feel free to comment or follow to keep posted. 

15 Fictional Men for the Marriage Minded Modern Woman

Book lovers like me have a hard time finding a man in the real world, not because we're bores or plain-Janes, but rather because we know the man we want to marry. Alas, he's fictional. Ladies, the following is a list of 15 fictional men (in no particular order) who I think epitomise our ideal man. Men, take notes!


1.

Bravado, dominance and masculinity all equals to this one man, Petruchio, who is 'man-enough' to get you in order. Dash the modern day BDSM (and the Christian Grey overload), you can have yourself the classic tamer. 

2. 

Another devoted man on the marriage list, and most definitely so. Staying true to what he believes in right to the end, Sirius Black is most certainly loyal, rebellious and as we know pretty reckless. But what's the harm in a little mischief and adventure when this man has an immense capacity for affection.

3.

While the Duke may be fickle, the rest of him is pretty damn fine: handsome; noble; wealthy; loyal; ardent, but mostly the Duke of Illyria is a true romantic, a man in love with love - 'If music be the food of love, play on'. In short, everything a woman wants, all in an exquisite wrapping. 

4. 

A new thing with vampires and sexiness, and Edward Cullen is it. Extremely handsome with super-speed and the ability to read thoughts, this sparkling vampire knows he's not always perfect and is ready to admit it. 

5. 

Middle-earth inhabits a man who most certainly makes the cut. Tall and dark? Check. Lean and rugged? Check. Refined in using a blade? Check. Leader of men? Check. Aragorn undoubtedly turns many heads and not just in Rivendell or Rohan. 

6. 

Every girls wants a house built for her, to be cooked seasoned crabs with hot sauce and to be rowed into romantic secret lagoons - there's only one who has the determination in all he does and that can give his unconditional love, and that's none other than the poor country boy; Noah Calhoun - the perfect marriage material. 

7. 

While the perfect pretty boy is what we all should want, it's the mysterious bad-boy who we fall for. Not afraid to make tough decisions and a closet sweetheart, Damon Salvatore makes love look thrilling and dangerous. 

8. 

Being born from one of the most acclaimed literatures of time, Jay Gatsby's stance alone is enough to draw you in. Behind the faux image of the extravagant lifestyle and profuse wealth, Gatsby's devotion to his love is the true essence of him.


9.

Edward Fairfax Rochester. Many things could be said about this rich, dark and brooding man but it all comes down to two words, he is ultimately the Byronic hero. Simple as that. 

10. 

Austen did it again and she nailed it. This time he is protective without being possessive. He can advise without being domineering. He is a gentleman to all the ladies and not only those he deems worthy of respect. To sum it up Mr Knightley is simply and utterly the nice guy. 

11. 

The man who never fails to surprise you and continues to show his love even after he is gone. The man who helps you get beyond the past and strive towards the future. The man who isn't quite ready to say goodbye to you. Gerry Kennedy, the man that we couldn't have dreamt up. 

12. 

Not only exceedingly easy on the eyes, but a man with intelligence who can challenge your thoughts with his own. Mr Thornton is worthy of great respect, to be able to remain gentle and family-orientated despite his tough experiences of life. 

13. 

The Hogwarts professor holds the perfect resume for the husband role. Being an official Messr, co-creating the Marauder's Map and with a certain regard for chocolate, for most that would be enough to seal the deal. If not, then it should be known that the compassionate, considerate Remus Lupin has a furry side. 

14. 

His title alone is a great appeal. This Count has ascribed his status in society, and while he may have held bitterness for the wrong done against him, it's Dantes' redemption that truly shines through and makes him a man deserving of being loved. 

15. 

He comes across as proud and arrogant, but when they are so well-educated and finely dressed as this man is, a little arrogance and pride is just what you'd order. Conveniently, a glance at his fine grounds of Pemberley is enough to sway even the most headstrong of women. Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, the true gentleman, the man known to be the standard to which all other men are held against. The one to hold your heart like an iron vice. 

Those of you who read it, would you agree with me the list above or do you have someone else in mind who you think makes the cut?

This is a piece I wrote some months ago for a specific audience, so I thought I'd post it on here and share it with everyone.

13th November

I know I've only recently started my own blog, but already two posts in and I've yet to mention this person. This very fact has most certainly surprised those closest to me. So here goes, a whole post dedicated to him.

While he may not have the piercing eyes of Chris Pine, the razor sharp cheekbones of Benedict Cumberbatch or the suaveness of George Clooney, there's just something about Gerry that really gets my 'full sized-aortic pump' thumping.

I can fully admit that he is not the perfect man. I mean no man can really size up to Matt Bomer (I swear that guy doesn't have a single bad angle whatsoever. I genuinely think he's digitally made sculpted). Gerry on the other hand, does have a bit of a chubby face, the scruffy stubbles and not exactly your Channing Tatum abs, but give him anything to wear (or not) and the chance to smile, and I swear it would be as if Gilderoy Lockhart incanted away the bones in your legs.

To me, it seems that Gerry doesn't prance around in the 'celebrity uniform'. He looks like a man that you could probably see walking down the street on a normal day and not resort to swooning and drooling (though it would most likely be me drooling with my tongue hanging out). What I'm trying to say is that he doesn't have the obvious good-looks like the men mentioned above. Seriously though, can anyone honestly walk past Matt Bomer without the urge to wrap your arms and legs around him that very Rapunzel-like way? I think not! (I'll add in a pic for those of you that are still a Bomer-virgin).

With Gerry however, he doesn't seem to go for the 'trying hard to be a celebrity' look, and that's what makes him more goddamn attractive in my eyes. When he allows the media the privilege of his awesomeness, he's dressed down and wearing his sexy, rugged stubbles. What makes Gerry my perfect man? I think I can pin it down to his attitude, his charm and his coyness. Together with his banter and the un-denying magnetism, he has the full package in my respect.

For someone like me, Gerry represents an attainable man, (you're thinking it's completely absurd and I'd agree), but for once, he's a man who's not fictional (though to some extent he may be), but unlike Mr Darcy, Duke Orsino or the likes of Noah Calhoun, Gerard Butler actually exists in the real world.

The way I'd word my regard for him is that I'm a huge admirer and a loyal supporter of Gerry. (Alright, alright, I can almost hear the scoffs and snorts from my family and friends at that statement). I would like to say that I'm not like all the other fangirls, but sometimes I don't know what happens and I go a teensy weensy bit hysterical. So, yes I'll admit that when my mum would roll her eyes at the Gerry calendar on my bookshelf and ask 'who's this man?' my reply is 'he's your son-in-law'. Or when my brother would shoot disapproving glares at my Gerry cushion, I'd get a sense of satisfaction and even when my dad (the only person I'm terrified of) asks 'who's that dude on your phone case?' I look sheepishly and say 'he's your son-in-law dad' (in my head of course, still don't have the guts to say that directly to my old man).

My sisters, their husbands and even my nieces and nephews, they've long accepted my 'delusions' of Gerry being their brother-in-law or uncle. So, when it came to showing them the new year's diary for 2014 (I personalise my diaries with family pictures via Photobox), little was their surprise to see Gerry's birthday neatly tucked in amongst the three other family birthdays in that week.

You've by now gathered my passion for Gerry, so would you believe that I actually got to see him in person? Hell yes, that's right! April 2nd 2013, Regents Street Apple Store, a Q&A for his movie Olympus Has Fallen. With a front row seat and the perfect angle for pictures, I managed to catch a nice stick-out-tongue pose for my camera. Much to my disappointment, the irritatingly annoying Apple Store geeks rushed out the stars (Aaron Eckhart was there too), thus I was unable to get a picture with Gerry. He did manage to give two autographs and a handshake. Ooh yes, the handshake was with me, and did I wash my hand you ask? Well, what do you think?!

I won't go into all the details of that day though I'm sure my niece Rizzy and my friend Sheepa have very eccentric versions of what happened. What I will do now is shower you with images of this beautiful man, and you are most welcome!

Happy Birthday Gerry, forty-five and still damn fiiine!

The Days of the Pocket Money

Earlier this year I had the unfortunate luck of becoming unemployed. Now, understand that this was the first time in 25 years that I wasn’t either studying or working, (the first few years counts as studying and working to me, I’m learning to be a person thank you very much!). So anyway, as you can imagine, I thought yay, for the first time in 25 years I will get to relax, no stress, no pressure or deadlines, just chill. Wake up at whatever hour I wished, stay up until the sun glorifies the sky again, do all the things I wanted to but couldn’t, due to lack of time. It turns out that sleeping in and staying up late can get pretty boring after a week or so and all the things ‘I wanted to do’ well, there really wasn’t much after all.

Soon enough, I grew incredibly bored of being unemployed, and began to look for things to do to keep me busy and somewhat entertained. Now, while unemployment has all the negative consequences, like being incredibly broke and having to resort to your teenage days of asking your parents for pocket money (and no, the dole isn't for me), it does have certain perks that may surprise you.

So with my new-found free-time, I dabbled with arts and crafts only to rediscover skills that I once thought I no longer possessed. Before I continue, let me roll back a few years (actually almost a decade). Year 11 results day and I was a confident little thing tearing open the brown envelope. The first three I scanned the page for: English, Maths and Science and a sigh of relief because the rest I thought were ‘in the bag’. Well apparently not! Grade boundaries were pushed higher for whatever reason they had cooked up that year. So, my safe A/B grade for Art came down to a crushing C. All confidence of being 'pretty good' at art was crumpled up and tossed in the bin.

The pottering began with the approach of World Book Day at school, so the kids (not mine obviously, my sister’s) needed costumes. Now as I had no other commitments I got to spend a lot more time with the little buggers and was determined they’d have the best costume in the school and so began my little rediscovery quest. For those of you who’ve read my previous blog, you could probably have a good guess as to which book(s) I’d use as my inspiration for the costumes. Yup, you got it! It could only ever have been Harry Potter. I was going to create my own Harry and Hermione. Now that I had my mind set on this, I got to work right away.

The overall costume for both characters were purchased from various places and it was certain props to the costumes where my activity came into play. 

Hermione was to go dressed in the traditional Gryffindor uniform: black skirt; white shirt; Gryffindor ti; Gryffindor robe (tailored by the second of my seven sisters); knee-high white socks; black shoes and the time turner worn in the third book (purchased at Warner Bros Studio). The props that I had made for this costume were the pile of books Hermione is known to be always carrying (in this case two books due to the size of the user) and a wand. From cutting out the cereal box to sticking, gluing and painting the covers and the whole teabag staining effect, these are the final results of the books: Hogwarts: A History by Garius Tomkink and Advanced Potion-Making by Liberatus Borage.

Harry was also to go in the Gryffindor uniform, black trousers; white shirt; Gryffindor tie; Gryffindor robe; Harry’s round glasses (purchased from Warner Bros Studio); Harry’s wand (purchased off Ebay) and of course the Nimbus 2000 which was made by yours truly.

I’ve got to say it was a glorious day when the two Gryffindors strode into the playground in their original outfits in comparison to the store-bought superhero/princess costumes and all eyes were on them, turning many heads - officially announced to have the best costumes.

To my amazement, I had received many congratulatory comments regarding my ‘talent’. I was delighted, was this really a talent? But I’d only got a C though, I couldn't possibly be talented with only a C. Well, once again it was time to shun the rule book, because only I can reflect what I’m capable better than any school grade. Thus, my once-lost confidence restored, I dared out to fiddle around with a few more things. Here’s what I’ve been up to since my free-time commenced in March.

These are various shaped favour boxes, which I personally crafted, from drawing out the measurements, to cutting out the template, carving the butterfly designs to personalising the tags with individual stamps. This I've got to say kept me pretty busy and fortunately for me there were a few upcoming weddings in the family, which meant hell of a lot of parties (if you're Asian you'll probably know what I mean) and that was good for me because I had the pleasure of being able to promote these bad boys. Astonishingly, they were taken very well. 

To wrap up this rather lengthy post (sorry I didn't mean to waffle on for so long but I hope the pictures helped), I guess I wanted to say that don't let anything put you down, there's always something good that comes out of a hard time. 

And just... have faith!